Happy New Year! Wow, it’s 2012 already! Time really flies and leaves us wondering about what sort of colours did we put in 2011. Time flies, but memories linger. Some memories we choose to stay, and some others…well…we let them fade away. Both to nourish our soul.
Everybody seems to have their resolutions ready for 2012. Frankly, I’m not the type of person who plan those kinds of things. A few days ago, I did wonder about my resolutions. I asked myself whether I needed one. For your information, I’m very lousy when it comes to working on resolutions. And so, I decided not to think about it seriously.
However, two days ago, when I was reading Aleph, the latest book of Paulo Coelho, I came across this paragraph.
I’ve never felt awkward about asking. I’ve known lots of people who care about others and are extremely generous when it comes to giving and who feel real pleasure when someone asks them for advice or help. And that’s fine, it’s a good thing to help your neighbor. On the other hand, I know very few people capable of receiving even when the gift is given with love and generosity. It’s as if the act of receiving made them feel inferior, as if depending on someone else was undignified. They think is someone is giving us something, that’s because we’re incapable of getting it for ourselves. Or else, the person giving me this now will one day ask for back with interest. Or, even worse, I don’t deserve to be treated well. (page 97)
I was struck by it! I pondered on the paragraph. I read it several times and I felt like it talked about ME. Something told me that I was the person Mr Coelho was talking about. One of those people who find it hard to receive. It doesn’t mean that I’m not aware of this trait, but I never consider it as something that gives a bad influence in social relationships.
I grew up in a family that believes that giving is better than receiving (or so I thought). It was a virtue that was nurtured since I was little. I never find it hard to share, to give, to help. But when I really thinking about it, it is sometimes harder for me to receive, whether to receive help from friends, colleagues and even boyfriend. Of course giving is a virtue, but that doesn’t make receiving isn’t. I remembered Mother emphasized on how good it was to share with my sisters, but I forgot the other side of her teaching, which was being able to receive.
I looked back and pictured some events in my life when I had difficulties receiving. I remembered when I first had a teaching partner. I was a homeroom teacher and I worked together with a co-teacher. It was quite difficult for me at first to share responsibilities with her. And it was not because I didn’t trust her. She was a very capable lady, no doubt about that. It was because I wasn’t familiar yet with the situation where I should be able to receive help. I was always the one who gave help, and when I was in the opposite position, I failed to do it.
A friend of mine once recognized this issue and she advised me not to be too perfectionist and to learn to share responsibilities, because my partner could have gotten a wrong impression upon how I acted. I thought about what she said and here I am, a few years later, gazing on the same advice.
Mr Coelho’s words were very strong. I was afraid that my reluctance to receive help was connected with my own perception about myself. I tried to figure out which reasons make me difficult to receive. I couldn’t conclude, because all reasons stated in the paragraph seemed possible in my case.
So, I decided to have a resolution this year. I choose to learn to receive. I will do that and try to erase the idea that receiving is lower than giving. I will choose to view myself as deserving to be treated well and I seriously think I need to work on my self-confidence.
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