On being a (big) sister September 20, 2008

Yesterday I got a phone call from “Ibu”. She is a nice lady who built an NGO in which I volunteered a few years ago. We’re quite close and sometimes I share a lot to her too. Actually yesterday she looked for my little sister, but she wasn’t at home. We ended up discussing about a few things concerning me as well as my sister.

What surprised me though, was that she knows quite a lot about my sister. Apparently my sister went to her house to work on her assignment and she shared some personal info. Ibu cares a lot about me and after my sister opened up herself to her, Ibu feels that she needs to help my sister. She cares for her too.

I was quite sad actually, when I realize that my little sister wasn’t able to tell things to me, personal things. She shares her life experiences to me sometimes though, but lately I have to admit that I don’t provide enough time to listen to her. But on the other way, I’m glad that she could open up herself to Ibu, someone who has a “motherly” figure.

After mum passed away, I know that the situation at home has been awkward. My sister and I often prefer to go home late at night. Sometimes our house can’t be our home again. It’s too complicated though. I also admit that we are not used to talk from heart to heart. Since I was a child, I’ve never used to speak up or to show my feelings. It was easier for me to give my mum flowers or presents to show that I cared than to say “I love you”. I know it was pathetic, but that how it was. I just couldn’t say it. It felt very awkward. I think I learn that when I am to raise a family one day, I shouldn’t repeat this.

Back to my sister, I feel that the bond between us isn’t as strong as it should. It’s mostly my mistake I guess. I can’t be someone who’s there for her. I can’t be someone who she can look up to.

I’m still thinking on how I can change this situation. I know that the biggest obstacle lies in me. I should conquer my awkwardness. It’s not easy, believe me…

I wish I could have been there for her when she needed me…

I’m sorry, Dek…

Lagi apa, Ma? September 12, 2008

Beberapa hari yang lalu bokap gw telepon. Tumben-tumbenan si Papa teleponnya ngga sama Mama Lina. Katanya Mama Lina lagi tidur.

Gw sama Papa emang ngga deket. Papa model konservatif yang emang nggak bisa jadi tempat manja-manjaan, jadilah kalo si Papa telepon, gw suka kebingungan nyari topik

Yah…mungkin kedengerannya emang aneh, kok sama bokap sendiri kayak gitu. Tapi mo gimana lagi? Di keluarga gw nggak pernah dibiasain ada acara ngobrol keluarga, jadi gw tumbuh dengan sikap individualis yang palingan bisa curhatnya sama temen doang.

Tapi lately lagi kangen sama si Mama. Jadi inget “family thing” yang suka dilakuin baren, misalnya ke gereja. Sekarang acara ke gereja bukan lagi jadi “family thing”, tapi “personal thing”. Setelah Mama meninggal gw emang lebih sering ke gereja sendiri. Cuma kadang-kadang aja bareng sama adek gw.

Kira-kira Mama kangen juga nggak ya?? Lagi apa di “sana”, Ma??